Despair

Snap those lips down tight for me.



Paint them vermilion splashed with disregard.



Skipping in disgrace and fear,



Arm in arm across the way.



Sprinting towards the edge.



Falling into fire; dive into my empty place.



Doused in blackness and gasoline.



Torment and tension tethered to my sick sick brain.



Razor wire, dried bone, ruddy muscles, and hot sticky blood.



Something terrible is rising up and I can’t stop it.



Frantically I write on the walls trying to keep it at bay.



I don’t want to again. I don’t want to…please.



I can feel it clawing at me; biting my insides.



Little fangs. Gleaming chompers.



Dumping lava into my arteries.



I squeeze tight, curling into a ball trying to crush the snake in my belly.



It starts small…little sparks; then the bigger logs begin to catch light and I’m up and away.



Blazing like an inferno I’m gone; outta sight.



Running to the brink hell bent for glory.



I can feel sizzling under my feet and bitter winter wind on my face.



I wish I could wink out of existence…I need silence then this also will pass .



Something, anything to clear away the slate of my heart and make me blank inside again.



I close my eyes but I can hear the imps giggle as they scurry in the darkness.



There is no quiet. No credits roll.



Please earth under foot.. open and swallow me entire.



The jar holding my joy is broken and every ounce is gushing out.



The sand drinks it up greedily begging for more and I wish I had none left to give.



But jet after jet still spurts out...a valve is broken somewhere it seems.



Like a finger in an open sore.



Like that infected tooth that you can’t keep from touching with your tongue.



The scab you can’t help but pick. It's agonizing... but I could force myself to do what must be done.



I want to smear blood across my forehead and rub my face with ash.



Then sit under a moon black as sack cloth and lament loss , despair against finality , and rage indiscriminately against anyone and everything till my fingers are worn down to ragged nubs and I cough blood in vivid gaudy streams.



To hear the sound of anyone screaming except me would be a welcome change



Instead of crouching inside this icey tomb to loss rehashing everything…going over the words and the days and the years again and again. Running my fingers over it studying the crevices and crannies looking for an imperfection… any imperfection.



Some indication...God…something to tell me I could have seen this all coming.



I’m at ground zero…a pillar of ash...stark and alone, oblivious that the world around me has drastically changed and the road ahead is dark, lonely and uncertain.



I feel spent and all that’s left is this quiet aching. Standing at the edge of that abyss; one good shove is all it would take.



Then I could escape into the black...and fall forever…I would finally have quiet…instead of looking at scattered pictures and shattered glass…Instead of praying for it to return…instead of waiting for the joy in my eyes to come home…I miss it

She Siphon's Off Poison

Peace like something electric shooting up my spine...



Tranquil amber lightning...sublime lemony calm... yet quiet sitting in urns on shelves...sitting forever it has been...



Cool, chilly, frozen cement solid and cracking...breaking open... Spilling wave after wave of licking flame, azure consuming fire all over everything....



It’s the indigo shock wave baby shrouded in a black cloud of fine dust.... Burning me up...turning my heart into a slab of granite....



It's poison...an emetic I greedily drink up that twists my body into impossible contortions...



Breaking bone and tearing sinew until this righteous stupidity reaches its grim fruition... Hacking up vomit that coalesces into steamy puddles of self loathing in the dark places that I hide inside myself.....



Here's the cure... drench your hair with axle grease and chew bricks with broken teeth...



Then serenity will run in dark rivulets from the honeycomb into the spike....



A shard of glass in the throat and the adder's pin prick...body pinching what I am in a contracting vice... Reticulating bands of steel glowing red hot under crimson lights in everyday spaces...



Murdering the anguish... suffocating in the touch of rosy lips on mine...a kiss that slips through my shift quick and easy... razor sharp... Freeing loops of intestine....like an avalanche covering ire and tension in cold white antibiotic calm...



Bodies falling into bodies... locked in my mind’s eye...slick with plasma... rocking back and forth...slippery… so slippery



Sighs intertwining... sewing ribbons of ecstasy to and through my skin... Images drawn in the sand...



Sand melting into glass on the leafy green beaches... Beaches that touch cool water under an eggplant purple sky...



Her indigo eyes ...eyes that sometimes see everything inside me...then fade to blindness black....



Hungry eyes looking for a face to come home to......



Lying in bed and watching the corners of her mouth move...smile...frown...smile...



Her glittering pupils...not jaded by purgatory so that making love to her is making music written in dark rivers of hot sticky molasses mingling with icy cool cream....



Lapping up on my shore and I have her little shoes under my bed and fewer monsters in my closets...and



Finally calm and quiet...



Calm like a pristine ruby red pool of blood...



Quiet like a dying man's last breath of oxygen...



At last sweet and warm…



Sweet like drops of chocolate rain…



Warm like that first ray of summer sunshine….

Skin Deep

Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen...

Tonight is my night of honesty; and in proper fashion I am disposed to of course be...honest...this evening’s subject is...well.....me

I.... am a misogynistic brown skinned cigarette smoking gin drinking monster.... I hide this fact.

I am cruel and cold blooded...people assume from my warm demeanor otherwise....but...they are mistaken...I do not care for people and on average I am unmoved by the struggles in other people's lives...in fact I find that watching my neighbor lose an uphill battle causes laughter to bubble up inside of me....oddly enough I love animals and am incensed when someone tries to harm them....an example may help...I once saw a man pick a puppy up by its tail and fling it into a dumpster 9 feet away.....I kicked his four front teeth in....I’m pretty sure he wears dentures now.....I later adopted the puppy..Think you can relate...don't start liking me yet

I have a sadistic lustful enmity towards women

I fantasize about hiring 2 prostitutes with big tits to take turns giving me head while I snort ketamine off of another one's ass.

I want to sodomize a barely legal cheerleader while she's clutching her frilly multicolored pom poms and screaming for more...or screaming for me to stop...it depends.

In fact 90 % of the women I meet I want to have selfish rough sex with and discard.

Secretly I enjoy watching people cry...I mean really cry...snot running down their chin and all...I am happiest when people are suffering and absolutely miserable...especially women...

I like alcohol... I thoroughly enjoy being inebriated and when drunk I am happy, violent, lecherous, and generally all things unpleasant; I want to get drunk and be drunk all the time...that's all there is to say.... I like deep fried food and rich desserts. I'm a very big fan of chocolate and bacon....lots of chocolate...oddly chocolate and sex make very good bed fellows....bacon not so much..Well again it depends

I am ever chasing sleep and the true nature of my sloth knows no bounds...I want to slumber for a thousand years...I am utterly transported with joy after a night of peaceful sleep.... I would like to sleep through the day to wake up in the evening knowing that my evening will consist of more sex, alcohol and drugs only to fall asleep again...I am lazy and absolutely abhor work as I stated before... I want to wake up to blowjobs ,naked women and the smell of roasting pork tenderloin , red eye gravy , buttermilk biscuits , sunny side up eggs and huge scoops of chocolate ice cream..

In my secret heart I want to be special and even better I want to be wealthy ...I mean really stinking fucking rich...I am acutely aware that I am unimportant and less than ordinary...I am the great mister "exactly what you expected" I have dreams sometimes about boarding jets to far off locations like Maldives and the French Riviera. I want to own an island where it’s a rule for the women to run around...run not walk... topless with umbrella drinks and on said island I want to sit at a quiet beach and get stoned out of my fucking mind....Still think I'm a lot like you? I’m sure a lot of you guys think I’m just like you…. Wait for it...

I want to take away life... sometimes...I like guns ...I like blades more....a lot more it’s safe to say...the sight of blood dark as pitch spattered across rusty metal gives me an almost orgasmic rush..I can feel anger inside of me getting ready to bubble up and spew all over people sometimes.... I could peel the skin right off of a person's face and leave it in long wet strips at my feet with no motive at all... .....I wonder what human flesh taste like sometimes ...and wonder what it would be like to bath in a pristine pool of hot ruby red blood....I want to torture people that hurt me....I want them to scream for months or at least until their vocal cords are shredded and they can only produce pitiful weak squeaking sounds.

I want to die sometimes...many times. I think about how to do it a lot. I think I've finally decided that if I do eventually feel the need I may place the barrel of a gun under the shelf of my chin and paint the walls in my bedroom with bone , blood , and bits of my brain...big bits most likely

I think about all of these things all the time.....every second of every minute of every day...but like I said before...I hide all of this...because society and the hand I have been dealt says that all of these thoughts and desires are....well... inappropriate...a shame really...

I work incessantly...and am always chasing money...but I will never be wealthy...I haven't had a peaceful nights sleep since I was 13...I wake up all the time from dreams I can't remember sweating, confused and of course...afraid...I eat healthy for the most part and do my best to abstain from tobacco and alcohol mostly...I haven't even smoked a joint in years

women....oh women.....women think I am sweet....hey I've got this winning smile and it does what it’s supposed to… it takes all of their weapons away...slightly shy but a little mischievous .....I know exactly what to say and how to say it...I can reduce most women to fits of girlish giggles...I have sung to women and composed poetry that has melted their hearts....if they only knew that chances are that while I'm singing or reciting a poem or sonnet for them relating equal parts love and passion.... I am most likely thinking of how I'm going to sexually use them or what they would look like cut up in a bath tub....

I don't know if everyone feels these things.....experience has told me... not so much......I have become fairly good at this game though ....and pretty much every single person I ever meet and tip a wink or a grin to...is completely oblivious to the jackal that’s under my skin...or the ice water coursing through my veins...or the festering disease that has poisoned my brain...

And that Ladies and Gentlemen....especially you Ladies

...... is a very good thing

Bonfire of the Sanities

Submit to me you will feel so much better after you do...

Close your crying eyes and fall into me..

I will show you sleep…

I will take you away to rest and sublime release...

I know that your burden is crushing and your heart is care worn;

Let your reason flow into me...

I will give you a gift… my boon...

And the world will be whatever your heart has desired..

All else will fall away and your rationing mind will slumber for a time....

Lounge beneath my spreading boughs and dream eternal...

Where I am there are no weeping children, no bills to pay, no threatening creditors, no worries, no disease, death, aging, or broken hearts...

Eat of my good fruit...and let your belly finally be full...

Leave that world of care behind and for a time sleep...

For, you may remain here as long as you wish...

And that world of despair will pass like a glass before your unseeing eye...

Yet you will remain...you will abide...

And, if with time you wish to embark on that long ease…

I will make the transition quick and painless...

Slip into my arms ...open yours …drink every last drop

You will sleep forever and feel peace at last...

I'll hold you close, my tired babe, kiss your lips and take your life of anguish into me...

Then this can finally be over….

There is nothing so precious as that final whispering breath...

The one that goes back to God...

It's Catching They Say

I constructed this thing,

Now it’s locked behind ribs

My mind did that with the pieces left over

Shadowy ice cream truck evil lurking like lamprey

Hungry for honey and it wants your liver

Fingers inside gloves ; pushing past broken bone

They’re inside now..touching things most tender ..so soft

Meat..its just meat when the chips are down remember that..

Say it over and over like a mantra…

Fake it till you make it right?

I see everything.. but I wish I didn’t

Opening my veins to crowd..

Everyone can have a taste..

Spilling little drops of me all over everything; burning holes in the linoleum

Blank faces..they all have blank faces..when did that happen?

Like porcelain animals drinking forever from a sea of glass

Breath…don’t….now breath in again….don’t

They walk though…how could that be?.. but they do. ...

Scampering to and fro

Nesting behavior I think its called

Setting up shop inside this womb..

It was such a steal aside from the leaking walls and the putrefacted tissue

Tongues and upturned faces begging for more…please daddy

Please do it again.. but don’t hurt me

That’s what this is about don’t you know

I had compassion syndrome before but the good bits have all necrosed …

Now it’s just anguish, muttering, and lidless eyes that stare and stare and stare

Blood and bile thick as thieves slathered across bricks that weep and moan..

This is going to be good..

This’ll really hit the spot

Broken bodies and bones piled in haphazard stacks to desiccate

Dust on my fingers and face ..where’s that good fecund earth?

It’s time to plant something again..

Joy you know what I mean...Show us that crystalline place

Painted vain with purple and scarlet..

Eyes like almonds.. black as the thunder head

Bring on the rains.. make me steam and bubble over again

Please…I promise

I’ll give you something salty and sweet

I sacrifice my skin…

Peel it from my face it’s all yours to bite and tear and burn

You’re soft and formless..

Slip inside my stoney places and do that thing that makes it all better

Sew shut all the open doors and let your lips do some walking

Walk all over me...no more talking to strangers for you love

You’re mine now.

Squeeze out every last ounce…

I need to lubricate the moving parts you see…

Otherwise there will be hell to pay..

That screeching of metal grinding on metal..

I can still feel it behind my eyes..

Low and rasping, forcing my ear drums to rupture and bleed…

My child … where is she?

Oh my baby…

God he was so young..

Cold and pale now..

Spiders and rats slinking around what he has become…

Its fading…holding the world frozen forever…

A still photo of euphoria…A diamond sinking in clay

Polarized and resin dipped…

Plasticine whore…I own you she says

Mine its all mine Mommy..

No..

Sharing is caring and don’t ever forget it..

Or I’ll cut it off.

Now pour the rest down the drain..

Puddled in the cistern there they are..

Delicious thick oily corrosive globs…

Searing away layers of my larynx making it harder to speak…

This is a wonder for the ages…

And I am privy to it…

Thank You so very much

As hand and throat smear me all over the walls…

This will look fantastic when it dries…

Milk me until there’s no more ..put it in your mouth and I’ll give you some too

Drink me up taste my nothingness…

Does it leave your mouth sweet and your belly sour with wormwood and shame…

You have it now…

We are one..

I will always be with you now..

Open your shirt…let’s make one for you

We’ll build it behind your ribs...

And lock it in with whatever’s left over…